Reconcile (Out there, pt 2)

Why am I even still like this?

It's so impossible to reconcile your warmth, your invitingness, your supportiveness, your apparent desire to spend time in my presence with the perceived disinterest because you apparently never watched a video I posted for you.

I have no idea what's happening in your life. For all I know, you have no idea that I even put something out there for you. That I've been waiting with bated breath for that watch count increase, even just by one.

But even she hasn't watched it, if the analytics are to be believed. And she's the one who “has” me, who is supposed to be taking interest.

Maybe I'm just not that interesting…

Or maybe the analytics are fucked up.

The fact that I don't know should be enough, enough to quiet the demons that are always lurking in the back of my head, always whispering in my ear that I've misread everything, that I really am just a creep…

But it isn't.

And that's why I can't put myself out there like that anymore. Not in that form, anyways. Not in a form where it's so easy for me to see just how little interest the world has in me. In how little interest you have in me. Even if I'm wrong about that. Because I'm going to put myself through the wringer one way or the other. And my heart can't take it.

I'm sorry I'm like this. I try not to be. I've tried. Sometimes, I can manage it. Sometimes. Today is clearly not one of those times.

And just to be clear… I'm upset with myself, not with you. You've done nothing wrong, nothing at all. I love you.